Headline!

THEY ALSO CHECK YOUR FLUIDS...

A brothel in Nevada announced that customers who spend $300 or more would receive a $50 voucher for gasoline. The offer is yet another attempt to boost sales in the struggling prostitution industry, which has been hit hard by both rising gas prices and rapid advancements in pocket pussy technology.

Headlines!

AND YOU THOUGHT THE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE SUCKED

A flight was delayed today when passengers discovered three ticks on the plane. The embarrassing incident has lead United Airlines to cancel its "Deer Fly Free" program.

(Actually, passengers didn't discover the ticks. The flight crew found them when they searched a Bassett Hound who was believed to be howling verses from the Qur'an.)

PLEASE PASS THE IRONY

In other news, world leaders attending the G8 summit to solve the global food crisis were criticized after they enjoyed an 18 course gourmet meal at the event. Activists were particularly outraged at the dessert course: a hot fudge sundae served in the rib cage of a dead Nigerian baby.

And that's the news.

Here's a cat eating corn on the cob.

George Carlin - R.I.P.

He was one of my childhood heroes -- mainly because he was among the comics my dad found funny enough to warrant waking me and my brother up at midnight to watch them perform on the Tonight Show.

I tried to find my favorite George Carlin moment on YouTube ("GIVE ME A BALLOON!!!"), but had no luck. However, this clip is pretty great too, if a bit ironic. But something tells me he would appreciate that...

Torn from the Headlines

I have always wondered: Does the black bar across someone's eyes really hide their identity? For example, is it impossible to identify the perpetrator in the photo above? (He is charged, by the way, with having sexual relations outside of his species.)

The answer, is NO.

The story is as messed up as Rip Torn's hair. His mug shot was used in a TV commercial by Cincinnati City Councilman Chris Monzel to represent sexual predators.

In the ad, which talked about getting "sexual predators off the streets," they simply covered Torn's eyes with a black box. But OF COURSE someone recognized the photo. With the exception of Nick Nolte's (a.k.a. Greatest of All Time), that has to be the most reproduced celebrity mug shot of the past ten years. (OK, maybe Lindsay Lohan's is more popular... but still, Rip has had plenty of face time.)

I think it's time to retire the black bar, and move to the blurred photo. Then only the guys at Interpol will be able to say, "Hey! I know that guy!"

Sweet Child O' Whose?

Will somebody please tell Axl Rose to stop getting plastic surgery???

Oh, wait.

New Roger Sealy!

Roger Sealy is testing the waters (so to speak) of video blogging with a new post about sharks.

Treadmill Kittens

This may be the best video ever posted on YouTube...



And in case you are wondering, the answer is: No, I am NOT above adding the extremely obvious soundtrack...

These Cats Also Mispronounce "Diabetes"

Here are five cats that look like Wilford Brimley. Unfortunately, scientists have been unable to locate the genetic code that will create cats that look like Don Ameche and Hume Cronyn.

(They have, however, been making cats that look like Hitler for years.)

The Dark Knight

Just came across this trailer for the upcoming Batman movie. It looks pretty good...

"He's a Mis-Leading Man."

Salvador Dali on the 1950's game show What's My Line?...

WTF, CNN

I thought maybe my computer was broken (or possessed), but it seems that CNN headlines now actually feature a link that allows you to have that headline printed on a t-shirt.

No. I'm serious.

Personally, I have no intention of ordering a CNN headline t-shirt. Not until Andy Rooney dies anyway.

Wolf Orders Sushi

But Can He Ride a Unicycle?

Sad news: Just as we are in the fields of game show creativity and Stevie Wonder song-playing robots, the U.S. is lagging behind Japan once again. This time, they have shamed us with their vastly superior adorable Kung Fu bear technology.

Meet Claude...

This is an Info Minute

Charles Lindbergh

Monster Attacks City

Chickens and Goats

Wow.

You knew Telly Savalas portrayed the tough-as-nails TV detective Kojak.

But did you know he could (for lack of a better word) sing? Or that he was in love with a woman who was, by my estimation, 30 feet tall?

You do now...

Blind Items

Which multi-talented, Grammy award-winning musician recorded Songs in the Key of Life despite being completely unable to see???

Which French teacher invented a system of embossed type that allowed the sightless to read and write???

Which mythological Greek king had sexual relations with his own mother??? Also, he stabbed himself in the eyeballs.

Cloverfield

I (finally) saw Cloverfield. And I loved it.

The entire film, in case you don't know, is shot on handheld camera. And it has been reported that the constant moving and shaking gave some viewers motion sickness. Personally, I did feel a little nauseous at first, but I felt fine as soon as I threw up.

OK, listen. If you have not seen the film, do not read any further. I'm about to get all sorts of spoily.

Ready for the spoilers? Let's go....

Some friends were discussing the film in front of me a few weeks ago and, like the whiny film-bitch that I am, I started going, "Bah! Bah! Bah! I haven't seen it yet! Don't blow it for me!"

They did not blow it for me. But what Friend 1 did say (to Friend 2) was, "Did you hear about the thing? That you can see..." At this point, Friend 1 mouthed something inaudible. Friend 2 said, "Yes. I missed that. I totally want to go see it again just to see that."

I was armed with this information as I saw the film. That is to say, throughout the experience, and particularly at the very end, my eyes were PEELED to catch anything that might come my way.

Splash!

So, if you have seen the movie, you know what I am talking about, and you are wondering, "Is it true?" Yes, it is. In the final scene, when you see Rob and Beth on the ferris wheel at Coney Island, just before it cuts to them, you see something splash into the ocean, way off in the distance. It is very, very small and faint. So much so, that when I got home I immediately got online to confirm that what I saw (the tiny, distant splash) was what people were talking about.

Turns out a lot of people are talking. And, quite helpfully, some of them offer proof. Like this guy on YouTube (thanks, dude)...

Daves Like These

You've heard that (AWESOME) David Lee Roth isolated vocal track that has been floating around, yes?

Well, it reminded me of another isolated vocal track I once heard. It was by that chubby dude from Smash Mouth. (What's his name?)

Anyway, I combined the two to make the Best Song Ever (not to mention the Best Video Ever). Check it out...

Shark Consoles Wolf

Progress Marches On!

Dear people with AIDS,

Still haven't gotten around to finding a cure. But check this out: we made some cats that glow in the dark!

You're welcome.

Sincerely,
Science

This is an Info Minute

Skylab

"No, no, no... He's GREAT."

Do you know who this is?...



That's right. It's Academy Award winning actor Martin Landau. A brilliant actor with an amazing and impressive career in films and television.

And this...



...is Graydon Carter. He is the editor of Vanity Fair. Tell me, does he look like a douchebag?

Just kidding. Of course he does.

And he is. I have proof.

Recently, Mr. Carter was a guest programmer on Turner Classic Movies. One of his selections was one of my favorite films of all time: Hitchcock's classic North By Northwest.

Before the film began, Carter sat down with TCM host Robert Osbourne to discuss it. Eventually, Martin Landau came up. (If you haven't seen the movie, Landau plays a creepy, villainous crony of the antagonist James Mason.)

Carter used this opportunity to relate the following story about Martin Landau showing up at the Vanity Fair Oscar party in 1993. (NOTE: It's a little quiet. You may need your headphones.)



Again, this was one year before Landau won an Oscar for his role in Ed Wood - that is, it was 1993. Carter says that Sarah Marks (whoever the fuck that is) says, "Most people haven't seen him in anything in years." Well, Landau had been nominated for his (INCREDIBLE) performance in Crime and Misdemeanors just FOUR YEARS EARLIER in 1989.

I stand uncorrected. The guy's a douche. (You too, Sarah Marks.)

Ugh.

This is an Info Minute

The Assassination of President William McKinley