Headline!

THEY ALSO CHECK YOUR FLUIDS...

A brothel in Nevada announced that customers who spend $300 or more would receive a $50 voucher for gasoline. The offer is yet another attempt to boost sales in the struggling prostitution industry, which has been hit hard by both rising gas prices and rapid advancements in pocket pussy technology.

Headlines!

AND YOU THOUGHT THE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE SUCKED

A flight was delayed today when passengers discovered three ticks on the plane. The embarrassing incident has lead United Airlines to cancel its "Deer Fly Free" program.

(Actually, passengers didn't discover the ticks. The flight crew found them when they searched a Bassett Hound who was believed to be howling verses from the Qur'an.)

PLEASE PASS THE IRONY

In other news, world leaders attending the G8 summit to solve the global food crisis were criticized after they enjoyed an 18 course gourmet meal at the event. Activists were particularly outraged at the dessert course: a hot fudge sundae served in the rib cage of a dead Nigerian baby.

And that's the news.

Here's a cat eating corn on the cob.