Please join me and those purveyors of love and tolerance, the Mormons and the Catholic Church, in supporting California's latest ballot initiative: Proposition 2.8.
In the November 4th election, Californians flocked to the polls and voted YES on Props 2 and 8, granting rights to chickens and taking them away from human beings respectively.
After that happened we realized we had made a small mistake. Because it was improperly worded, Prop 2 also awarded rights to GAY chickens. Whoops!
Proposition 2.8 will eliminate the mobility rights that were accidentally granted to homosexual chickens. We must strip away their newfound partial freedom before these gay birds get too comfortable and break down the very fabric of chicken society.
Californians: It's time to restore traditional chicken marriage!
"If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up." - Frederick (Max Von Sydow), Hannah and Her Sisters
There are a bunch of important initiatives on the California ballot this November, but today I am going to post about one in particular: Prop 8.
I'm paraphrasing here, but what Prop 8 basically says is: "Oh, you're gay? Fuck you."
OK, that's not exactly true. What it says is that gay couples, who were given the right to get married back in May of this year, would NO LONGER have that right. (A brief aside: how absurd is it that we had to vote on whether to give them a right that they should JUST FUCKING HAVE in the first place??? Don't think about it too hard or you will wake the dead with your screams.)
Those in FAVOR of Prop 8 include no less a piece of garbage than this lying, worthless idiot...
If for some reason seeing Newt Gingrich lending his support doesn't make you think "I will do the opposite of what he says!", here is a list of just some of the groups who OPPOSE Prop 8 (courtesy of NoOnProp8.com).
The proposition is also opposed by both Governor Schwarzenegger, who I LOVED in Twins (no, I'm serious... he opposes it AND I loved that movie), and the next President of the United States of America, Barack Obama. It is also opposed by every living Californian with a heart and supported by every shithead who ever flipped you off after he stole your parking space.
Yankee Stadium burned down today (or closed... or something) and they dragged out a bunch of undead Yankees to celebrate its demise.
And you thought all those old photos had that sepia-tone look because they were deteriorating with age. Nope! That's what their uniforms used to look like!
A brothel in Nevada announced that customers who spend $300 or more would receive a $50 voucher for gasoline. The offer is yet another attempt to boost sales in the struggling prostitution industry, which has been hit hard by both rising gas prices and rapid advancements in pocket pussy technology.
A flight was delayed today when passengers discovered three ticks on the plane. The embarrassing incident has lead United Airlines to cancel its "Deer Fly Free" program.
(Actually, passengers didn't discover the ticks. The flight crew found them when they searched a Bassett Hound who was believed to be howling verses from the Qur'an.)
PLEASE PASS THE IRONY
In other news, world leaders attending the G8 summit to solve the global food crisis were criticized after they enjoyed an 18 course gourmet meal at the event. Activists were particularly outraged at the dessert course: a hot fudge sundae served in the rib cage of a dead Nigerian baby.
He was one of my childhood heroes -- mainly because he was among the comics my dad found funny enough to warrant waking me and my brother up at midnight to watch them perform on the Tonight Show.
I tried to find my favorite George Carlin moment on YouTube ("GIVE ME A BALLOON!!!"), but had no luck. However, this clip is pretty great too, if a bit ironic. But something tells me he would appreciate that...
I have always wondered: Does the black bar across someone's eyes really hide their identity? For example, is it impossible to identify the perpetrator in the photo above? (He is charged, by the way, with having sexual relations outside of his species.)
The story is as messed up as Rip Torn's hair. His mug shot was used in a TV commercial by Cincinnati City Councilman Chris Monzel to represent sexual predators.
In the ad, which talked about getting "sexual predators off the streets," they simply covered Torn's eyes with a black box. But OF COURSE someone recognized the photo. With the exception of Nick Nolte's (a.k.a. Greatest of All Time), that has to be the most reproduced celebrity mug shot of the past ten years. (OK, maybe Lindsay Lohan's is more popular... but still, Rip has had plenty of face time.)
I think it's time to retire the black bar, and move to the blurred photo. Then only the guys at Interpol will be able to say, "Hey! I know that guy!"
Here are five cats that look like Wilford Brimley. Unfortunately, scientists have been unable to locate the genetic code that will create cats that look like Don Ameche and Hume Cronyn.
(They have, however, been making cats that look like Hitler for years.)
I thought maybe my computer was broken (or possessed), but it seems that CNN headlines now actually feature a link that allows you to have that headline printed on a t-shirt.
Sad news: Just as we are in the fields of game show creativity and Stevie Wonder song-playing robots, the U.S. is lagging behind Japan once again. This time, they have shamed us with their vastly superior adorable Kung Fu bear technology.
